And in this corner...

Women have been settling their grudges on the mat for years now. Names like Tonya Harding, Leila Ali, Chyna and Shannon Doherty (well, she'll fight you anywhere) show that celebrity and estrogen-fueled beatdowns can go hand in hand nicely. With that and the recent media blitz from both camps in mind, and given my unhealthy quirk for writing poetry to the daughters of presidential candidates, I give you my promotion...

The Bush Twins vs. The Senator Sisters
K-Y Jelly Wrestling Tag Team Main Event
Madison Square Garden, Friday Sept. 3, 9pm
Will Ferrell Officiating


Tale of the Tape:
The Bush Twins

The current Presidential Daughter titleholders have a no-holds-barred offensive approach. Expect them to go straight for the pin right from the opening bell. Wild child Jenna has been known to employ broken bottles of jack on the opposition in the ring, and the Bush security detail should be more than enough to handle the Kerry agents and come to the assistance of the champs if they need it. This is no doubt one tough matchup for any contenders to face.

The Senator Sisters

This tall duo of lean, mean Massachusetts muscle pose a stiff challenge. Look for a more educated and honed battlefield style, with Alexandra Kerry possibly employing an opportune wardrobe malfunction to dazzle the Bush security detail. The girls are deceptively strong, inheriting half their genetic material from Frankenstein's Monster, and should come to the match well-practiced at parrying techniques to block the infamous Jenna Bush Barroom-Face-Slash with their ever reliable bottles of Heinz 57.

There is no love lost between these two squads, and expect a real bite-and-claw hairpull until the bitter end. The venue's organization is strictly Republican so the Bushes should curry technical homefield advantage during the actual bout, but the Kerrys will most certainly draw encouragement from the cacophony of hundreds of thousands of faithful Democratic hooligans being arrested and beaten around the arena perimeter. A must-see, sign up for pay-per-view today!

And now, a Hai-ku on the ethics of a Battle Royale.

You're O.K. with this?
"Ring the fuckin' bell, you pansy."
You're my boy, Blue.